It was time to start all over again. A fresh round of IVF. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. My 3 embryos were used up. I had met with Dr Waterstone and this was the plan. To bank more embryos. Funny thing was when I was going out the door he said Are you sure you want to do this? It is ok if you only want one child.
Ron and I sat down for a chat to see how we felt going again. What were our worries and concerns? Ron was worried I would get OHSS. It can be life-threatening and we have a child at home to consider. He also felt his wife was not his wife while doing IVF. Any couple can deal with a few weeks of IVF but you never know how many rounds of treatment it takes to get those embryos. And once you start on this train it’s hard to get off it. I found the frozen cycles tough and I knew Ron found it difficult to watch this but I knew I could do it. I had done it before and I could do it again. The question I had to ask myself was do I want another baby?
My only way of figuring this out was by talking. I spoke to my cousin Bryan and he gave me a great piece of advice. Write down how you feel right now. Come back to it in a few weeks and see if you feel the same. That day I sat in my car and wrote out how I felt in the form of a letter to the Waterstone clinic.
To all the staff at the Waterstone Clinic thank you. If it wasn’t for Dr Waterstone and all the nurses I would never have had the strength to keep going. Thank you especially to Trish and Margaret who witnessed most of my tears. To go through IVF you must have steel determination and tunnel vision to get to your end goal. It is hard to stay healthy eat right exercise and staying sane while injecting hormones into you every day, to keep smiling at work and with your friends when you know hot tears are at the brink at all times. The 30th of November was the best day of my life. My beautiful healthy baby, Casey was born. My husband looked at me differently that day. That of admiration I think it was, I gave him a son. I felt like I won the lotto and to be truthful I found it all easy. I just loved being a mother. It just came naturally to me. If I could have kids naturally I would have a house filled with them.
I was lucky enough to get 3 frozen embryos from two and a half years of just not giving up and I was lucky I got pregnant on my first embryo and casey was born. I had 2 frosties left. I saw these as my frozen babies waiting on ice. It gave me the right to join in on conversations with other mums about when are you going for number 2? I loved that I had them there, I loved that I had more chances. So I decided to go again. I soon realised how you actually forget how difficult IVF is. The drugs, the needles, the exhaustion and the tears all over again. I miscarried at 9 weeks. I knew it, I just didn’t feel any life. I held onto the last embryo as long as I could until I knew I had to pluck up the courage to use it. My perfect little embryo didn’t work. These were not frozen babies as I thought in my head. They were frozen chances and were just not meant to be. I know I am so lucky to have Casey and do I really want another child? Does Casey complete our family? Yes absolutely ( and I wouldn’t mind another dog but I’m not allowed ! ) but knowing all this in my head is one thing but feeling the loss is another. Deciding to stop is sometimes a harder decision. This is the decision myself and my husband have made but we must mourn the loss. As Ron said every milestone Casey gets to is bittersweet as it is the first time and the last time. So we will treasure them just that little bit more with a tuck in our hearts. To all the women out there who are going through IVF, I promise ye all the prize at the end is so worth it, all the tears sadness disappears the minute you see your baby. But it takes massive strength to also say enough is enough. You must mourn the loss and move on. So to Trish who told me just one more go thank you, Margaret thank you for your genuine empathy and every other nurse ye are all so amazing. And of course Dr Waterstone for your genius. You are a miracle worker. I will be forever grateful but I'm happy with my lot.
Ron and I decided to wait for 6 weeks. It was great to just give your mind a break from it all and digest our thoughts. I re-read my letter 6 weeks later to the day and I still felt the same and so did Ron. I had a chat with one of the nurses in the Waterstone Clinic and she asked me a very important question If I could have children naturally would I be trying for a baby? I answered yes to this question but when I got off the phone to her I sat down and thought about her question properly and The thing is if I could have children naturally I would be finished having my babies. I felt I gave my 30’s to try for a baby and I really felt I wanted to do a bit of living in the now. I wanted to be present in my life and enjoy my family. It was our decision for our family and one we didn’t make easily. It’s so personal and individual to each and every person. If you have that deep yearning for another baby … well ,I know some warriors who have kept going until they were happy with their lot and I know many who still are on their journey. I look at ye with sincere admiration as each and every one of us is on a different path and it is only you can make that call for your family. But for us enough is enough ❤️